Silent hope
by FuzzyShoo
Summary: My first Gravitation post. A short insight into Yuki's mind on Shuichi... I think I'm done with this one... Gomen.
1. Part 1

"Why? Yuki tell me why? Why are you being so stubborn lately? Why are you doing this to me? Tell me Yuki! Yuki!" Shuichi's voice yelled through the door of my office. I held my head, looking down at the illuminated screen of my laptop, sighing. I can't write. I can't even see straight with his voice yelling through the oak door. I looked down at the keyboard, glancing over he worn keys.  
  
"Why are you asking?" I mutter silently to myself, starting to type. I didn't want his questions- I didn't need his comments, his love. I didn't deserve any of it but he constantly gave and gave, and I gave nothing in return other then a roof over his head and my body.  
  
That's what everyone wanted from me- my body. They see a tall, somewhat muscular blonde with a talent for writing and a lot of cash. They never see me. No one ever sees me. It's just my outer person. It's just what they want to see, like my writing. Girls want to see a tall blonde man with a lot of money and I gave it to them. Like my readers want to see a sap novel, I give it to them. I, in no way, try to disappoint anyone.  
  
But it's odd how I constantly disappoint the person I live with. It boggles the mind at times that he's the only one on earth that I can't please outside of the bedroom. If I'm working he's always there, if I'm eating he's there. It doesn't matter to him that I could be voted best looking male author in Japan three years in a row, and it doesn't matter at all that I've a frighteningly large sum of cash in the bank; he makes just as much, so it doesn't matter. He sees me as cold, mean, never pleasing.  
  
So why does Shuichi stay? He wants to change me. He wants me to be something I'm obviously not, and he wants love. He wants nothing more then love out of me. I don't know what I want from him though. Loyalty? The silent hope of his love? Or is it that constant hunger inside of me, yelling at my heart that he's a good person? It may as well just be his body or company… Maybe even just his song and voice.  
  
But why then don't I kick him out if I can't know what I like about him? That's the thing… I like him so much that I can't think of a reason to not like him. Those nights that we'd stay up late having a heart to heart talk after sex, or just the nights that he's fallen asleep on my shoulder in my office or my lap by the television. It's gravitation. Murphy's law is against me. Murphy's just against me, period.  
  
Shuichi was the most energetic lover I've ever had. At the beginning he sucked in bed, had no lyric writing skills and couldn't produce anything to really interest me. I was in trouble as soon as I figured this one out. But eventually, as time moved on, he became more relaxed and I became patient with him. Shuichi got to be a tease and met my level of satisfaction. I could relax better when he touched me in areas, but in others I needed to relieve the sexual tension. Both ways I always wound up on top of him and he'd squeal.  
  
But today was quite different. I came home in a good mood for the most part, and he started with his questions. Why, where were you? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? Why, why, why, why, WHY? Everything always needed an explanation for him. He needed to know all the time as if he were five and a half years old and didn't know better. Everything included twenty questions and everything needed to be explained thoroughly. That's the one reason that I would kick him from my house. That was the reason that I wouldn't want to live with him: the constant 'why's.  
  
I didn't want to answer. I never want to answer because he'll ask why or what happened. I never want to answer him but I always wind up doing it. I started to type and the door swung open. I looked over to see Mika, glaring me.  
  
"What do you want?" I asked. She walked closer to me, still angry and smacked my face. I didn't move that much. I just sat in shock.  
  
"What's wrong with you Eiri? You have no respect for others or their affection on you?" She yelled. I took in the beating, keeping my face straight and serious. I never smiled in front of her anymore. I was always angry.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Shuichi left. He's gone and all his things." She snapped. I felt a bit happy, and at the same time a bit confused. He'd left me. For the first time in his life, Shuichi had left me. I'm usually the one who kicks the kid out, or I'll leave. But it was different. He'd left.  
  
"Where'd he go?" I asked coldly. She smirked slightly.  
  
"Your brother's house." She said, smiling. I don't think I heard her correctly. Shuichi chose my brother over me. I always knew that Tatsuha would interfere with us once, and take Shuichi away with him. I just never thought this soon. Tatsuha was physically like me in everyway except hair and eyes, and he was open, kind, and obsessed with Sakuma Ryuichi.  
  
"Why?" I asked. I cringed at the word, said with such a miserable tone. She held my face with a harsh grip and looked me over.  
  
"You're an asshole." She shook her head, leaving the room and my flat. I wanted to go after her but I stayed, rooted to my chair. He left. I could never believe it but he left. And for once in my life, I actually wanted him to return to me.  
  
I felt crumbled without him- crushed, hurt, rejected, and lonely. I needed to call him. I may as well just call Tohoma.  
  
Tohoma was one of my friends, no matter how much he wanted me in his bed. I don't think that I could ever sleep with him. Tohoma- who'd married my sister a few years ago- was the only one who knew of my past. I intended to keep it that way until I got around to Shuichi. He wanted to know about it, and I always rejected that.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Tatsuha. Where's Shuichi?" I asked, more like a statement. He chuckled.  
  
"Right here. He doesn't look to happy though." He said, probably smiling like a maniac. I growled and slammed my hand down on my desk that held my computer.  
  
"Let me talk to him damn it!" I snapped, yelling quite loudly. There was a pause on the other line and I waited, saying hello.  
  
"Yu… ki…' A voice whispered. Shuichi. I felt my eyes light up, smiling and sighing.  
  
"You left… Why'd you leave?" I asked calmly.  
  
"You've been so cold to me lately Yuki! I can't put up with you being in these constant mood swings, and then trying to come back to me after yelling at me! You don't tell me anything and if you do it's in less then five words!" He sounded like he was crying. I wanted to cry for him, and beat myself.  
  
"Shuichi you ask too many questions though!" I said. He sighed.  
  
"You don't elaborate with things!" He cried. I sighed and just held the phone, listening to his tears drop one after another down his face.  
  
When I thought he was finished I asked him.  
  
"Sorry." He whispered. I smiled and slightly sighed, looking over my screen. I'd written quite a hefty composition today and I did want him to read it.  
  
"Shuichi I want you home. I can't live without you." I whispered softly.  
  
"I can't come home Yuki. I don't like how you treat me… It's borderline abuse!" He said, sniffling. I gulped. He was right. I did treat him pretty badly and it was probably close to abuse. I shook my head.  
  
"Shuichi how… I'm sorry." I said, barley whispering. I could hear him sniffling, not wanting this moment anymore then I did.  
  
"You hurt me Yuki… It hurts." He sighed. I moved away from my computer, sitting in the darkness.  
  
"Shuichi… I'm sorry Shuichi I am… I just can't… I…" I gulped, not wanting the words to come out, "I love you." I whispered. I heard him gasp, and a loud clunk as if he dropped the phone. As soon as I heard his voice again I smiled to myself.  
  
"Yuki… You never. You never said that to anyone!" He gasped. I know, it was as much of a surprise to him as it was to me. Shuichi was coming home though, and there was to be much story sharing with him. 


	2. Part 2

When the little pink haired brat came home from my brother's house, he looked as if he'd been crying for hours. Well, he looked fatigued at the same time though. I didn't really look at him much when I got home before he left for Tatsuha's house either. He didn't have any of his things with him at the time and I did wonder about that… But I wasn't going to be expecting details on that his lack of paraphernalia. We sat at the wooden kitchen table across from each other. I light a cigarette just to make sure I was the slightest bit relaxed and looked at him with a slightly cold glare.  
  
"I don't want any questions from you unless I say so." I snapped, almost automatically. I could see him shrink back slightly and he nodded, "So ask me one question." I said. He looked as if he was lost in thought for a moment, then spoke up.  
  
"I… Where were you yesterday?" Shuichi whispered barely. His eyes glazed over slightly with tears and he looked down at his hands.  
  
"I had a therapy appointment so I was in town. I told you about that a few days ago. Next." I said, tapping the ashes off of the end of my cigarette. He looked a bit hurt. I couldn't help but feel a bit bad for him, but then again I felt a bit powerful. I don't know where this feeling came from, but I just felt it. It may just be because I could make him cry simply by just looking in his direction.  
  
"Why are you so cold recently? You've been treating me like dirt and I hate it Yuki…" He asked. It was times like these where I simply wished for something stronger then a cigarette. I didn't exactly know how to answer that, to be brutally honest.  
  
"Why am I so cold to you?" I repeated. At his alleged nod I sighed, "I'm stressed. I have too many things to do right now, I have a deadline to meet in two days, I don't like you asking me eight hundred questions, and I don't enjoy answering eight hundred questions. I don't like the fact that you constantly annoy me. I've got more, take your pick." I said, sighing out the smoke from the cigarette that was in my mouth. His eyes were still glassed over with tears and I couldn't look away from them. It may have been simply a trans that I couldn't move from him, or it could've been that he looked exceptionally cute at the moment.  
  
"Yuki I… You could've told me that. I didn't want to bother you Yuki. I don't want you angry with me Yuki!" He almost yelled, crossing his arms and resting them on the table, his face in his arms. I heard him cry: His body shook slightly and his breathing came in short gasps. I stood up and walked to his side, resting a hand on his shoulder and gently rubbing a circle on his shoulder with my thumb.  
  
I couldn't stand Shuichi crying. I couldn't help but pity him, but then again it was another thing that irritated me. He cried at least once a day in front of me. The thing with Shuichi thought was that he was too soft. He wasn't as tough as I thought he'd be when I first met him. I thought he was stronger then that, and he wouldn't cry over such pity things as threats from his friend to leave their band.  
  
But then again, he did bounce back quickly when he cried, and he was indeed a strong person. Nearly a month- not even- into our… relationship he was raped. The day after he was right back on his feet and working again. I did respect him for that, yes. But then again, that's when he started cross-dressing too. And also when he threatened himself to quit the band. That was when of course, I left him because I couldn't deal with it. I just needed a break from everything.  
  
Anyway, I really did see him as a strong person. I don't think that I could shave my legs, wear panties and a dress, all at the same time that a novel of mine came out and my lover was leaving me. That's just something I could never find myself doing. Well, it's that and having to deal with… me. I don't think I could live with myself. I'd probably think I was the biggest bastard in the world, that I was dirty, low and I'd kill… well, myself. I was a little caring and soft though. I guess you just had to get to me in the right way. I mean, when Shuichi passed out in the middle of the sidewalk after chasing me down I just had to take care of him. I couldn't leave him of course, and I didn't want him to hurt anymore. Hence, I wanted to leave him.  
  
Well anyway, I still haven't told him about my past, and how similar we are, and why I don't want to be away from him any longer, and the real reason behind why I was such a bastard to him. He turned his face into my shirt and had started crying then. I held him. I was still a bastard, and I was still holding my own tears back.  
  
"Shuichi…"  
  
"I hate you!" He choked out between sobs, "I hate you… Yuki… I hate you… so much…" So he clung to my shirt tighter. I didn't understand the mechanics myself but he seemed to just want to be close to me at the moment. He always wanted to be close to me- whether it was just a small conversation and he was simply cuddled at my side, or if we were driving and he had to hold my hand.  
  
"I hate you too." I sighed, stroking a hand down his spine lightly, "But let me ask you a question before I really hate you."  
  
Shuichi looked up to me with irritated eyes from crying and sniffled adorably. I was becoming way too soft. He looked too damn right adorable for me to resist him, but somehow, with some willpower I managed to.  
  
"Why did you chose Tatsuha over everyone you know?" I asked. I saw his lips curve upright into a smile and he leaned back into my shirt, blushing furiously. I smiled slightly and moved his face away, holding his cheek to look into his violet eyes: they were another thing that lured me towards him.  
  
"I… Tatsuha was closest by. He was staying at… Sakuma-san's house…" He said, blushing harder.  
  
"That's why he sounded so eager to get off the phone. You arranged that didn't you brat." I growled. Shuichi giggled adorably, hiding his face amongst my hand and gently kissing the palm. I suppose all was forgiven.  
  
"But… I had one more question Yuki…" He whispered. I knew what was coming. I knew what he wanted to ask, but not how to answer.  
  
"What now."  
  
"You never… I want to know more about you; about your past Yuki; why did they do that to you?" He said, loud enough that it was borderline whispering. I sighed and took his hand, helping to stand up and hugged him. I felt him tense slightly but relax, sighing.  
  
"I'll tell you later. I don't want to think about it now." I sighed, leaning down to rest my nose into his hair. He nuzzled slightly into my shirt and looked up to me, yawning. I knew he was tired, but I don't know what from. It may as well be from his tears, his constant crying and whimpering over me. I was really starting to feel quite guilty now. I made him this exhausted, and I made him hurt this much.  
  
I lifted him up, also taking my carton of cigarettes with me with my lighter and shuffled to my- or should I really say our room. There I lay him down and saw that he fell asleep on the way down the hall. I leaned into his face slowly. I didn't want to kiss him on the lips. I really didn't want to, but something drove me to it. I started out simply on his forehead, but then it trailed to his eyelids, nose, cheek, chin, other cheek, then finally brushing over his lips. I didn't- more of couldn't move away from his mouth. I was lost for a moment, caught in the moment. He'd obviously been with my brother- his lips tasted sugary, and he smelt just the same. Tatsuha always had an infatuation with sweets. I never liked them, but his metabolism kept the weight off.  
  
I moved my mouth away from his after a while and brushed his pink hair from his sleeping face. It's funny how my moods could change so drastically from pissed as all hell to… well, soft and caring. It made me think sometimes what drove me to being like that. But then I thought. It was Shuichi who made me soft- who made me care like I do. 


End file.
